Angry @ Birds

There are birds living on my roof. No, not birds, pigeons. Birds are beautiful creatures that fly around in the sky, pleasantly chirping and eating bugs or whatever they eat. Worms, probably. Pigeons are assholes with the manners of the drunk guy at a party who poops in the bathtub because he thinks it's funny. Or like a Prius owner, talking to non-Prius owners.

Pigeons living on my roof... that's a lot worse than it sounds. I know what you're thinking. So what? A few pigeons? How bad can that be??

Bad. Real bad. Bad enough for me to consider buying one of these:

(That's a shotgun.) (No, I'm serious.) (Yes, I've seen a shotgun before.) (No, not in person but why should that matter?) (Listen, stop critiquing me.)

First of all, pigeons do not know how to land... or move around... quietly. When I think of a bird landing somewhere. I picture it sort of like this:



The pigeons landing/walking around on my roof sound like this:

That's right. Like Abraham Lincoln landing on my roof.

Pigeons have no grace, none. It sounds like they are actually crashing into my roof instead of landing on it. Maybe their mom pigeons never taught them how to properly execute a landing. I'm really not sure. The first time I heard it, I was positive that someone was breaking into my house... you know... from the roof, all normal-like. After I realized that probably wasn't the case, I was certain that there was a bird stuck in either the attic or in my chimney. I panicked hard. Why? Because listen... A bird outside, in a tree- I barely notice you. A bird outside, flying around- We're still cool but there's always a slight fear that you will poo on my head. A bird INSIDE my HOUSE- it's your house now, bird.

Anyway, the bird wasn't inside. It was on my roof, having a pigeon party or whatever.

Not only are pigeons noisy landers, but they are very chatty. Here's a common pigeon conversation at 5AM:

Pigeon 1: Hooo Hooo Hooo Hooo
Pigeon 2: HOOO Hooo Hooo Hooo
Pigeon 3: HOOO HOOO HOOO HOOO
Me: WTF? I GET IT. I'M AWAKE. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME????

Pigeons don't really like to chat at a convenient time for me, like 1PM or dinner time. They like conversating (that's a word. I made it up in 10th grade) at the asscrack of dawn.

I usually fall back asleep and wake up around 8... and they're usually still up there... chillaxing and talking. Every morning, I do the same thing.

Me: I'll wait 5 more minutes before I go out there and throw a rock at them.
Pigeon 2: HOOO Hooo Hooo Hooo
Me: Fuck it, I'm going now.

ACCUSATION: Noisy birds waking me up way too early in the morning.
VERDICT: Guilty of being assholes, general tomfoolery.


*Special Thanks to Preston for the title!

The Infiniti FX

I just started shopping for a car.

I know, right? It sounds like a lot of fun! Well, let me tell you... it IS a lot of fun! That is... until you realize that someone has to pay for this new car... and that someone is going to be you (me). When you realize that you will be parting with your own hard earned money to support this new financial burden, it becomes a lot less fun and a lot more... well... let's just say annoying.

Needless to say, I have been cruising the interwebz in search of the perfect vehicle. The vehicle that will unite me with the road I travel on! A car that really *GETS* me, you know? No, actually... all that is bullshit. I want an SUV and I want it to be reasonably priced and to get good(ish) gas mileage. I just want a fuckin' car. So Mark and I have been browsing autotrader, yahoo auto, carmax... all the fun sites... looking for one and I stumbled across a particularly interesting vehicle. We'll come back to that in a second.

Now for the record, I would just like to point out that I am a terrible artist. That's actually a lie. If I am looking at a picture, I can copy it onto a piece of paper, no problem. I also have an uncanny ability to draw maps. Freehand though, that's my weakness. I have never played Pictionary, but I can almost gaurentee it would go something like this:

====
Clue: Your word is TREE
Me: *draws a tree*
Teammate 1: Is it a...
Teammate 2: WTF is that?
Teammate 3: Is it a boat?
Teammate 2: No....
Teammate 3: A spider? A baseball bat??
Me: *crazy eyes*
Teammate 1: Abraham Lincoln! A penny?!?!?
Me: *shakes head, points to the tree*
Teammate 2: The White House?
Teammate 1: Brazil?
Teammate 2: A basketball? A monkey? A swimming pool??
*Time's up!*
Me: It's a TREE you fucking idiots! See! The trunk? The branches? The leaves??? I even used the green marker!
Teammate 1: I'm still pretty sure that's Abraham Lincoln.
====

Naturally, I am terrible at drawing cars. In fact, here is my artists representation of a car. Any car, really.So when I stumbled across the Inifiniti FX, it really took my breath away. Not because I found it to be particularly amazing... or because I thought it might be "the one"... but because it looks like this:

Now... maybe we should talk about where Infiniti came up with this concept design and why I am not getting my fair share of the benefits? The first words out of my mouth were "Look at the hood! That looks like how I draw cars! Why is it so long??" And really... why IS it so long? How big is the engine in this thing? Chillax Infiniti, this isn't the Indy 500. I just need something to get me to and from doctors appointments.

Bottom Line: I'm not getting an Infiniti. I wish I could say that it was because of the hood, but really... it's because I have slightly better things to do with $50,000. Like buy candy.

ACCUSATION: Copying my drawing of a car and making it into a real car.
VERDICT: Guilty of ugliness and long hoodedness.