Angry @ Birds

There are birds living on my roof. No, not birds, pigeons. Birds are beautiful creatures that fly around in the sky, pleasantly chirping and eating bugs or whatever they eat. Worms, probably. Pigeons are assholes with the manners of the drunk guy at a party who poops in the bathtub because he thinks it's funny. Or like a Prius owner, talking to non-Prius owners.

Pigeons living on my roof... that's a lot worse than it sounds. I know what you're thinking. So what? A few pigeons? How bad can that be??

Bad. Real bad. Bad enough for me to consider buying one of these:

(That's a shotgun.) (No, I'm serious.) (Yes, I've seen a shotgun before.) (No, not in person but why should that matter?) (Listen, stop critiquing me.)

First of all, pigeons do not know how to land... or move around... quietly. When I think of a bird landing somewhere. I picture it sort of like this:



The pigeons landing/walking around on my roof sound like this:

That's right. Like Abraham Lincoln landing on my roof.

Pigeons have no grace, none. It sounds like they are actually crashing into my roof instead of landing on it. Maybe their mom pigeons never taught them how to properly execute a landing. I'm really not sure. The first time I heard it, I was positive that someone was breaking into my house... you know... from the roof, all normal-like. After I realized that probably wasn't the case, I was certain that there was a bird stuck in either the attic or in my chimney. I panicked hard. Why? Because listen... A bird outside, in a tree- I barely notice you. A bird outside, flying around- We're still cool but there's always a slight fear that you will poo on my head. A bird INSIDE my HOUSE- it's your house now, bird.

Anyway, the bird wasn't inside. It was on my roof, having a pigeon party or whatever.

Not only are pigeons noisy landers, but they are very chatty. Here's a common pigeon conversation at 5AM:

Pigeon 1: Hooo Hooo Hooo Hooo
Pigeon 2: HOOO Hooo Hooo Hooo
Pigeon 3: HOOO HOOO HOOO HOOO
Me: WTF? I GET IT. I'M AWAKE. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME????

Pigeons don't really like to chat at a convenient time for me, like 1PM or dinner time. They like conversating (that's a word. I made it up in 10th grade) at the asscrack of dawn.

I usually fall back asleep and wake up around 8... and they're usually still up there... chillaxing and talking. Every morning, I do the same thing.

Me: I'll wait 5 more minutes before I go out there and throw a rock at them.
Pigeon 2: HOOO Hooo Hooo Hooo
Me: Fuck it, I'm going now.

ACCUSATION: Noisy birds waking me up way too early in the morning.
VERDICT: Guilty of being assholes, general tomfoolery.


*Special Thanks to Preston for the title!